Helping you help us to you.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Human Resources Update

Greetings cretins, minions, and other such lowly subjects. Your Baron takes time to speak, you take time to listen.

I know the battle with the Mole Men wages on, and you're all very, very tired. My Ouroboros has been returned to me, and for that I am grateful. You have served me well in accomplishing this task.

Do not mistake my gratitude for complacency. The escape of the Terror Bear project has not been missed. Those responsible for the lapse in security have been dealt with in the most excruciating of manners (By which I mean, pain amplification drugs and being locked into a tiny box full of fleas until it becomes so unbearable the person forces their own mind to have an aneurysm and die.)

Trapjaw. Since you're somehow a partner, you are not subject to these penalties. But since it's become apparent that the security of the latest projects is beyond your powers, I have called for the reincarnation and reinstatement of Melvin the Wizard.

As such, new security level clearance "Melvin" has been created, with the sole badge handed to the Wizard himself. This clearance is all-access, aside from Partner suites. This includes the women's bathrooms in every complex except Kappa Complex in the Amazon (As per their contracts with us.) So ladies, I don't want to hear it. If Melvin wants to watch you pee, you damned well better smile.

That's all for now. Carry on.


  1. I can only authorize Melvin if he agrees to sign the harassment paperwork this time. He cost me a fortune in contraceptives and cleaning, so if he steps out of line, I want you to know that I'm asking Trapjaw to install a wizard-skin rug in my office.

  2. Oh, no no no, there's no issue there. All employees have signed away their rights to sue for harassment since the last time. Nothing to worry about there.

    You probably ought to call off Trapjaw. You seem to have forgotten about Trapjaw's predecessor, still suffering for eternity in the molten silver seas of Erebus. Just sayin'.